The last time I rocked you to sleep, I didn’t know it was going to be the final time you would need me to hold you so close to rest.
Did I know the last time I smelled your baby scent that it wouldn’t stay forever?
I often feel guilt when I think about how I longed for you to be just a little bit older so I could rest a little longer.
Did I not appreciate every second? Every quiet moment together? Even every hard one?
I look back at your picture from when you were first born and I remember the day so clearly. The joy, the excitement, the nervousness, the exhaustion…even the pain.
How could it be that it is three years later and you are your own person now. You have your likes and dislikes and your own opinion, a strong one for that matter.
It hit me this morning. You’re not a baby anymore. And I’ll never get to nurse you again, hush and rock you to sleep, or smell your hair as you sleep on my chest. Not in the newborn way at least.
Those days are behind us. They really did pass so quickly, even when the nights were so very, very long.
Sometimes I look at you and I still see your face as an infant and it brings me back to those early moments. I’ve had a few tears, but mostly I smile just watching those expressions on your face.
Thank you, my baby, my last baby, for having me as your mother. One day you will be six, and then fifteen, and even forty. But you’ll forever be the baby, my baby.
There’s something cathartic about the realization (and the tears) that your last baby is the end of what was a very long phase of your life. But it’s also the start of a new chapter.
Thank you, my baby, my last baby, for helping me through motherhood, for teaching and guiding me, for everything. I will miss your baby smiles, giggle quietly when thinking about your attempts at crawling, smile softly when remembering your first steps and happily laugh when visualizing your reactions to first trying peas and plums. I will always remember our cuddle sessions, dances in the living room, swaying until you smiled, and our baby talks, which I hold forever in my heart.
Thank you my baby for giving me that precious time. And even though I can’t have it back, it’s forever with me and I’m eternally grateful for our time together and for all the memories we have yet to make.
- Nicole Dooley @mamaexplains